I am filing more papers with the divorce tomorrow. This is the first of two final filings that I have to do before everything is official. Today would have been our 6th anniversary. You think that you are over it all and then you see the person again and all the pain comes flooding back. It hurts, but I must move forward. I have a new life now, with a new significant other in a new place. It’s just that sometimes it gets really dark in here and I can’t stop crying about what has happened. I had one of those nights last night. I’ve been really jittery ever since, and haven’t wanted to eat or really do much of anything. And yet at the same time, there is this fire within me that burns so strong that I can always see even when the world feels pitch black. Perhaps today is a day for grieving, tomorrow for action, and Thursday just a day for me. I always feel that spring Break is too short, especially this year. I’m looking forward to the summer when I can get really deep into myself and work things out, and not have to worry about classes.

It’s been about 6 months since I got out of the hospital. I keep thinking about what I was like then. I had multiple personalities going into the hospital, and only one, me, coming out. It has been strange with my head being rather quiet, not to mention having to deal with everything on my own. But it seems to hurt less and less with the more things that I deal with. I have been fiercely independent for quite some time now, but have recently found that I want and need interdependent relationships.

My struggle with my trauma has continued. I remember everything from my childhood now. So many horrifying memories, yet I have found some peace in not suppressing anything anymore. And within my own psyche I have fought the demon of my past and razed my world in flame to integrate everything. Such a peace I have found from accepting the past, now knowing that I cannot change the past, but that I can change what happens in my story now.

My divorce is coming to an end. My husband has defaulted and I can set a hearing later this week to go have the judge sign the papers. Then I can finally change my name. I’m also moving in with my boyfriend this weekend. Strange what 6 months can do for your life.

Lastly, to my good friend JR: there hasn’t been a single day in the last 8 months that I haven’t thought of you and missed you. I did have my day of celebration, fireworks and revelry in recognition of finally being free of the grasp of my past. It just didn’t happen the way you or I thought it would.

For those of you who actually read this: it doesn’t matter who you are or what has happened to you; you have the choice to do with your life right now. The past doesn’t exist, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present. I hope you continue on your journey remembering that you make your own path.

Seems like every time I feel like I’m making progress I take one step forward and one step back. I had one of the worst night terrors I’ve ever had this morning. It’s still making me really tense, even after medication. Last week I recovered a bunch of new memories from my early childhood. They were extremely disturbing to say the least. My entire childhood makes sense now, and it has, in a way, turned my world upside down. I finally know what happened to my mom. I know who she was, and how she died. I know what happened to my sisters too. The horrible things that they both still block out. Why Jen is so emotionally unstable. It all makes sense now. Yet there is still one thing that I don’t think I will ever be able to understand: How could someone do all this to other human beings? How could someone rape his wife in front of his children? and then say “Look what you made me do”. Let alone, how does a father molest and rape his own children, when they are 5 no less? My therapist keeps telling me not to think of him as human, that it’s something that he never was and never will be. A sadistic sociopath. But then my religious beliefs state that everyone is human, no matter what they do. Saints and rapists alike all go home in the end. I don’t think that I will ever figure this out. It’s like trying to figure out Hitler; we can try to understand, but that kind of insanity and depravity is something that we pray will never enter this world again. He will never pay for his crimes, he will never feel remorse for what he has done. He is incapable of understanding the magnitude of destruction that he brought to our lives, that we all still feel to this very day. The thing that I keep praying for is finding an end to these memories, so I know what’s out there and can make a game plan on how to deal with it all. At times it has just felt like an endless abyss, other times it really feels like I’ve come a very long way. If you’re reading this, say a little prayer for those out there that suffer like I do with the aftermath of an unthinkable unimaginable horror.

Well, my last post was correct, I did indeed need help, and I got it. I checked myself into the hospital to get me medications that actually work. And that’s what actually happened this time, best thing is that I’m not taking narcotics to sleep. The new medication gets me to sleep really well and really deeply so I dream. I haven’t had a nightmare since the third night at the hospital. I’m really proud of myself for going and I feel like I have made enormous progress in the last week. My main goal now is to do things to take care of myself.

Last night I almost attempted suicide. I wrote to my last boyfriend and said goodbye. As I was getting out of bed to go do what I had intended, my brother got to my house and stopped me. I’ve told him that I’ve decided to stay, but I feel empty inside, as if something has died within me. My days are filled with aches and getting myself to do anything productive is like moving a mountain. At night, it’s a fight for my life: should I stay or should I go? To be or not to be, that is the question. Things have just gotten too rough and I feel alone. People don’t understand, and asking for help has seemed to just produce confusion rather than what I really need. Wish I knew what to do. For now, just enduring for a promise to two people that I love more than anything in the world.

Meditated last night and realized it’s never been about me. My stepfather molested me and raped me for his sick pleasure, not because I had done anything. My mom lost her mind because of my step dad, and became selfish which resulted in me not having a mom. My dad was scared and didn’t want to get involved, was incompetent with regards to what to do as a parent, not that I wasn’t worth saving. Cruz raped me because I was taking care of him, it was about him keeping what he needed. My ex-husband wanted to experiment and become a college freshman again, not that I was a bad wife. It wasn’t that I didn’t please him enough with sex, it was that he was using me as a drug. My most recent ex, had no idea what he was doing and couldn’t deal with responsibility, not that I wasn’t worth staying with. It was never about me not being worth anything as a person, it was about other people being selfish and I got hurt in the wake of it. Just makes me wonder why no one ever though about me and what they were really doing…

The boyfriend I wrote about in my last post broke up with me yesterday. He said he just wants to be friends, that he’s not ready for a relationship etc. I keep getting really immature guys, probably because I wanted to date a gamer. I don’t want to look anymore, I want love to be something that I stumble upon or that just happens with a friend or whatever. No dating sites etc., just want to find really close friends that I can cry with all night and divulge my soul to. I just want a way to feel loved without all the drama and pressure of a romantic relationship. And for the sex, that’s what a vibrator is for I guess. I want to get to the point where I don’t need a romantic relationship to validate my existence. Just gotta think and work through all this. Gonna get through this.